[53] God’s Lonely Man

I don’t think anyone cares
I think I am the problem
I think I think too much
I am accepting this pain
Acceptance has been the only thing has given me some respite
From the constant thundering of my heart and my brain to quiet
Acceptance of the things I can’t control
That includes people’s reactions to my mood
That includes my control over their moods on me

I think I’m a failure
I think I know nothing
Every day I wake up and all I feel is worthless
The idea of being better than yesterday keeps me going
The one day when I can’t be better than myself, that will be it.

If I invest in something, I invest too much
The returns are like a fraudulent insurance money that I can never get
I feel like I’m faking depression to get people’s attention
I am tired of crying for help to the people I need
I accept that they have their own battles to fight
That I am not as big a part in their lives as I thought I was
Sometimes I feel I was used. I hope I wasn’t used.

Do I even mean something to anyone?
That someone would feel sorrow if I’m gone
They would feel a void, that I feel now for them
Maybe that’s why I run away from social media
To check if someone actually remembers me
To know if I matter
Even though I’ve done nothing great to matter.

I fear to face what I really am.
I fear to let people know what I am before I know what I am.
I push people away, but when I let them in
They push me away.
I think I was born in the wrong era, place, or age.

I don’t think I deserve my parent’s unconditional love for me
Because sometimes I see disappointment in their eyes
Sometimes I hear what I shouldn’t hear
So that becomes the only thing I hear
The only thing I believe in, forgetting every other.

I’ve hurt. I’ve broken. I’ve been a devil to some.
I’ve made them cry. I’ve made them flood tears.
I’ve made them feel like they were deranged.

So maybe I deserve it?
But if I say I deserve it am I playing the victim card?
What should I think? I try to find in role models.
Discovering in the end, they were as fucked up as I
So what is the solution?
To ignore it all and just take one day at a time
Or just take myself off one day.

I feel alone at home
They all tell me that distraction is the cure
My analysis says distraction leads to repression
And repression is the cause of what I am
What I am? Who am I?

These thoughts come in rapidity
I feel someone crushing my head
The one I cry for help tells me to deal with it alone
So I deal with it alone, crumbling one day at a time
Honesty plays in my subconscious now
Facade is what I call upon now
I convince myself that I’m God’s lonely man.

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