[64] Am I excited to be doing what I’m doing or am I in aimless motion?

Enthusiasm and eagerness are the emotions that a person goes through whilst feeling excited. And feeling excited about the field that you’re going to dedicate your whole life to is a must.

Do I feel excited towards filmmaking right now? or am I in aimless motion?

To answer the first half I can say that right now I do not feel excited towards filmmaking due to the stumbling block of having to complete a short film that is getting my nerves racking since a year and a half. The will to finish it is invisible. But once it’s done, the excitement to write a new story will ignite the spark towards filmmaking again.

To know yourself, and be able to be motivated throughout the week has always been the perfection that I’ve tried to achieve. Every decision that I consciously make is first towards becoming a motivated human being rather than becoming better at my craft.

But actions speak louder than words and my actions have been silencing my words.

I feel moving aimlessly.

I have no clue about how the film industry works.
I have no contacts to get me through the rigorous beginner phase.
I have not proved my talent even though I think my potential is decent.
I have not been hard-working of late and have been slacking towards my goal.

What goal?

I am aimlessly wandering towards I goal I have not created.
Days of contemplation and reflection seem necessary now.

I feel like that protagonist in a three act story with no “need”, with no will to face the “unfamiliar situation” or the will to “adapt”. So how will I reach the point where I get what I want? How will I reach the point where there is a transformation in my character?

I need to have a connection with the world outside so I don’t dry up inside the cocoon I prison myself in.

I need to go on a journey of discovery, a journey of risks that pull wide open new traits inside me that I still haven’t discovered.

A journey that is exciting. A journey that meanders through checkpoints and has a destination in the end. There will be resistance from within. I need to recognise the resistance.

I am my biggest enemy.

Fear of failure
Fear of miscommunication.

I need to recognise them whenever they control me and tell them that be a part of my journey to rediscovery. I need to be inside a story that I will write in the future. I need to go through the steps of the three act structure to write one.

To write a character, I have to be one.

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