My consciousness reaches its sleepiness attention at the banality of my clients. I’ve always tried to keep the sessions of the two patients with similar conditions distant so as to not let the monotony of it pierce through my attention for them both. But it could not be helped today. The two schizophrenic patients, the first a girl is a 20-year-old student who is also suffering from loneliness in this vast city. The second a guy is a 22-year-old blog writer who is also suffering from loneliness in this vast city. I day-dreamed throughout the talk, recording it for later analysis and my full attention.
As I always I transcript the sessions at the end of the day to gain a better understanding of my patients, the details I might have missed but the sleepiness caught onto me. My state caused me think that they stopped mid-sentence. In my groggy state, I started to read the two transcripts side by side.
Patient 1: I get restless very easily and like a flash of lightning. You know what my sun sign is?
Patient 2: Gemini. Yes, my sun sign is Gemini. Maybe that is why I think about life and people so much.
Patient 1: I suffer from life and people. The sky depresses me. The blank wall filled with dirt stains on my wall swallows me whole.
Patient 2: I hit the wall without any control. I think that’s what caused the dirt stains, it is actually blood.
Patient 1: I wish I could control that part of me but when it consumes me, it consumes me whole and I just lay there on my bed looking at the…
Patient 2: ceiling. What it represents. The isolation and the loneliness of just typing out my thoughts and uploading it onto a projection known as the screen. A screen has become a symbolic thing
Patient 1: A symbol of putting our whole life under one gambit. Is it agreeable to look at your life as a whole? And not savouring the moments.
Patient 2: A moment 5 years ago came up on my facebook feed and it was about the goals I set out for myself. A list of 15 points that ranged from travelling to…
Patient 1: Meditating, trying weed, learning german. I want to try meditation so much. That’s what I would like to do the most. I wanted to do all that but I failed.
My eyes didn’t need a caffeine hit to understand what this was. The personalities of the two patients were the same almost as if finishing their sentence. Was this is a sign of something? A cry for help ? or a riddle to solve before its too late. I read on further brushing off my inattentiveness.
Patient 2: I want to just live my life happily…
Patient 1: For the last time. This might be the last day of my visit…
Patient 2: to this parasite of a world. I would like to say that I want to think nothing. And not see him amongst the shadows anymore,maybe that’s why I want to try medi…
Patient 1: …medications that actually work. A high dosage of them, because the low dosage does not make him go away. He stands there with his hands on his head, bleeding profusely. I have decided though Today is the last day…
Patient 2: That I will see him. I would like to say to him that it was a good journey nonetheless. Thank you for listening.
Patient 1: Thank you for listening.
I sit there shook from what I read. It was 11 pm. I take the keys off my table trying to reach two places at once. Just then my phone rings. I pick it up. Another call after that. I pick it up. I keep the keys back on my table. And shred the conversations off my memory. My consciousness has reached its sleepiness state.